“Had I loved him any less -one ounce less- he would be with me now. My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart.” -unknown.
Choosing adoption was the hardest and easiest decision I have ever made. I’m sure you’re thinking, how could it be both?
Let me start by telling you I had just turned 21 and moved back to Colorado for the winter season, needless to say I wasn’t using protection. Next thing I knew I was taking a pregnancy test that had confirmed what I was feeling. I found out when I was a little over one week pregnant and I knew I was going to have to make some changes and fast.
The first few weeks were very emotional, one of my first considerations was abortion. I have always been pro-choice, but I my heart I knew it wasn’t something I could actually do myself. That left 2 choices, keep my child or adoption. I thought it was a simple choice, in my eyes, it was my child so it was my problem, turns out I was thinking completely wrong.
There are 3 things you should know about me: 1: I am very stubborn. So if it’s not my idea it probably won’t happen. 2: I never really had the support or help of my family, so I felt completely alone. 3: The father was very scared and confused so he chose not to be in the picture for the majority of my pregnancy.
I had convinced myself I could raise my son and do it all alone. About 3-4 months into my pregnancy I started having a lot of anxiety. I wasn’t going to have anywhere to live and raise my son, how was I suppose to continue with work? How could I afford food or clothing for both of us? Another big thought that would race through my mind was, is this really what I want at this age, and in this kind of a situation? To give up so many dreams I had?
So I decided to do some research on adoption. A few websites, and an email later I was in contact with my birth mother advisor Anne. We had a phone call the same day and I was able to express all my feelings to her. I felt safe and comfortable, in that moment I knew I was on the right path. Over the next few weeks, I was given so much information and support by Anne. The process became easier and more clear for me on what needed to happen.
So to answer how it was the easiest decision, well, in my heart I knew I wasn’t settled or mature enough to raise my son. I have a love and desire to travel and since I turned 18 I have been a bit of a nomad. Making the choice to give my son love, a roof over his head, and everything he would need to get through his childhood was the priority. Choosing adoption would give him that. Making the sacrifice became necessary because I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone.
Then there’s the hard part, he is my child, my little nugget growing inside of me that nobody could ever love the way I do. I was scared that nobody would be able to give him the love he needed or what he truly deserved. So it took a lot of growing to understand he would be loved just as much, in a different sort of way. He would still have a mom and a dad who would give him the world. That’s what made it hard for me, having to be 100% selfless in the most loving and nurturing way I could be. That’s when I found his parents, and everything changed. In my heart, I knew he wasn’t just my son, but our son, I was able to make my final decision.
To learn more about the adoption process, birth mother and birth parent services and other questions about adoption, please visit the Pregnant pages.
